


Paper Weight

by Talullah



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-25
Updated: 2014-08-25
Packaged: 2018-02-14 15:22:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2196831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talullah/pseuds/Talullah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gwindor understands that he took too much for granted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Paper Weight

**Author's Note:**

> fanfic100 prompt 077: What?
> 
> ficalbum prompt #10: Country Feedback
> 
> [Disclaimer/Blanket Statement](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Talullah/profile)

**Nargothrond, First Age 490**

'Oh my Finduilas... what have I done?' I ask myself constantly, but never do I say it aloud. I am broken, a shadow of whom I used to be. I am nothing but a wreck of a lost war, justly called the Battle of Unnumbered Tears. No more am I a proud lord of Nargothrond; I am a soul that belongs to Mandos already, trapped in an emaciated body, a twisted caricature of myself. What woman would have me now, I ask myself. I have nothing to offer. I hate what I have become.

And yet you linger, my Finduilas. You try so hard, you take me into the comfort of your arms and shush my nightmares with sweet words. I only can see pity in your eyes, not a trace of the love that once shone there: just plain, impersonal compassion. It is unbearable, all of it: your sympathy, your good will, your gestures that reek of habit.

You lie by my side, tending to my battered body, you greet me sweetly in public, you talk of simple things, joys of the past, plans for the future, but we both know that your unwavering loyalty comes from duty and gratitude for what once was. Deep in your heart you must despise me, but you hold on to the shell of what love was, of what I so foolishly took for granted.

I see in your eyes what you will not tell. That my embittered, broken spirit is repulsive to you, that far beyond the damage to my body, it is the damage to my soul that drives us apart. I fear that I will lose you forever soon.

I swim in regret. I should have wedded you before the war, my Finduilas. I tell myself that our love would have remained intact, though I know that it would not be so. Nothing that is pure and good can resist Angband, and vows of love would have made no difference. You would then be hoplessly tied to me, not free to pursue a new love. Oh yes, I see your eyes following him, the dark Agarwaen, killer of friends, thief of hearts. Says he that he will honour our friendship. Would his words be true, I would still be torn. My greedy heart would want you for myself, even in this hollow shell of what used to be, while your cooling heart would be like a knife twisting in mine, sharp and cruel. I should prefer to think you well and happy... but I am not that noble, not any more.

And so, everyday I make an effort to be once again the Gwindor who was worthy of you. I pray to Elbereth that I be still on time, but you are already half way out of my life. It should not, hurt for I am dead inside, ready to join my brother in Mandos, but it does. This hurt is my dying breath.

Had the Valar any mercy, I would have died on the long road home, but life tends to cling to us unwanted, giving unfounded hope, lying cold-heartedly. I have to swallow this bitter cup, praying for the day of my release.

 

 _Finis_  
_August 2006_


End file.
